One Step Forward

"I've learned to trust myself, Listen to the truth, to not be afraid of it and to not try and hide it." - Sarah McLachlan

Did you know that 1 in every 4 women will experience domestics violence in her lifetime? That is an alarming amount of women. I was the 1 in 4 women who experienced domestic violence. Did you know that is has become an epidemic? One would think with statistics so high that this would be a more talked about topic. That we would know a lot more people who have experienced the situation. That could be because most cases of domestic violence are never reported to police. A lot of time the woman is scared silent or embarrassed of what is taking place in her life. An estimated 5.3 million women are abused each year. 5.3 women who will never be the same, who have been physically and emotionally harmed by someone they cared about and trusted. Violence is the reason stated for divorce in 22% of middle-class marriages. And the reports of domestic violence continue to grow at an alarming rate.
I wanted to start out by putting some statistics out there because when you are the one going through it you feel completely alone. I want women going through this to know they are NOT alone. For a long time I felt worthless, embarrassed, and ashamed of what was going on in my life. I tried to deny the fact that it was abuse, then I made excuses for why it was happening, and most of all I tried to make sure no one else knew what was going on. I was scared silent. It is one of those things you hear about that you never really think will happen to you. When it does you don't want to believe it who wants to take on the title "battered wife".
Many women fall victim to "The Cycle of Abuse", most the time without even realizing it.

Before you know it it has become a viscous cycle you find yourself stuck in. Constantly walking on eggshells. Changing who you are what you do and have act just to keep another "blow up" from happening. You lose control because the abuser is gaining all of it. They instill fear in you and something bad inevitably happens. Many people will say "well why does she stay with him then"? Unless you have ever tried to leave an abusive man you have no right to judge because you have no idea how incredibly hard it is. By using other forms of abuse mental and emotional they break you down as a person making you feel like you aren't worth while. Chiseling away at your self esteem all in an effort to gain more control over you and the situation. You become part of their sick twisted game. After the act of violence takes place and their is a huge blow up. The red monster who harmed you becomes the most apologetic charming sincere individual ever. They make you feel like they truly love you and can't believe how out of hand that got. They make false promising begging you to stay paying you the compliments you have deserved to hear all along. All of these actions are just a ploy to suck you right back in until things go right back to the ugly stage. And the saddest thing is when you actually care about this person for a period of time you actually want to believe their false promises. You want to believe they are sincere. But there is no emptier feeling than being hurt the most by someone who claims to care about you and love you.
I live in that cycle for 3 1/2 years before i had the courage to actually leave. Some women never find that courage. It is like living in a nightmare because there is no easy or good way out of a situation like that. I made idle threats to leave for a while and never followed through... he knew how to play on my heart and my sympathy. But i was lucky i had family and friends who cared enough to support me in my attempts to leave. It even took getting a pfa and there were many threats made as he felt himself losing the control he held so dear to himself. But now I am free from the nightmare i was living. Yes i still have children with him but I dont have to fear what will happen the next time he comes home drunk, or the next time we go out and he wants to start a fight, or the next time he flips out because one of the kids is crying too much and he can't handle it. Slowly I am regaining the person i lost while i was in that relationship with him. It is something that never leaves you. I have come to the harsh realization that you can only supress memories for so long and you can only make yourself numb to so much before it comes back to bite you in the ass. But as it starts to come back I am learning to deal and knowing I have gotten my children out of a negative situation helps me through the day. So the next time you think about judging someone in this situation or suspect someone close to you is going through it sometimes all it takes is on person to show enough concern and support to help make that difference. After all abused women aren't just a statistic we are people who fallen into a deep dark hole that need an out reached hand and the love and support of friends and family to get us out.