Saturday, March 6, 2010

Divorce for Dummies?

“A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you”

No one ever tells you what to do when you are going through a divorce. Even when you know you are doing the right thing and that there is no turning back it can still be heart wrenching. No one tells you how to cope with certain situations that arise. Like when you soon to be ex brings another girl into the picture, and its stupid enough to call your phone while drunk leaving a full message of the two of them talking. Apparently he is able to love this girl and say she is his life after a month or two of seeing each other. Which is the same thing he used to feed me... guess that makes me no better than this new girl who I would like to refer to as stupid tramp. So I guess you can give birth to two beautiful children and stand by someone through thick and thin and have it be meaningless. I wouldn't refer to the 3 1/2 years as wasted time... after all I have two beautiful children who give me a reason to wake up in the morning. A time filled with learning experiences and traumatic times. I wish there was a guide that would tell you how you should feel. I find myself switching from strong, to angry, to just sad. It id a viscous cycle of emotions I just can not seem to control right now.
As with any traumatic situation you never come out the same person as you were when you went into it. Some mornings I wake up so sure of myself and other days I wake up just feeling bad for myself that it has come to this. So while listening to the the conversation between the kids dad, who should be referred to more as a sperm donor, and stupid tramp she requests that he stops contacting me. Well stupid tramp must not realize that a 2 yr old and 4 yr old can not just pick up the phone and call their daddy. But she has no problem putting that on the line... and as my heart sinks into my stomach i hear him agreeing with her that he needs to contact us less. This dead beat does not call on a daily basis, rarely sees his kids, and does not pay support when he is suppose to. Naive I write it off as him being drunk and selfish which is bad enough in itself... but to find out he is putting another person before his children that is a hard pill to swallow. I feel so incredibly angry at his selfish actions and at the ignorance of stupid tramp who referred to me as his "ex-wife" which in actuality he has refused to sign the divorce papers. It is always good to start things out in a relationship based of lies. Won't she be happy to know that not only has he spent time in the psych ward he has also gone to rehab 4 times and failed. He is violent and verbally abusive... but right now I will take the role as the bad guy. But where do you draw the line? He does not deserve to see or talk to his kids if this is the lifestyle and these are the decisions he is making? When you choose not picking up your phone when your 4 yr old son has been in the ER because you don't want to make your new girlfriend mad your priorities are obviously extremely screwed up. No I shouldnt be suprised I should have expected such behavior out of him... but I don't think this is a chapter "Divorce for Dummies" handles. Sure people can give you legal advice... but no one can tell you how to feel or how to deal.
I leave my marriage def with less of myself then I went into it with. I don't so much feel like I allowed him to take part of me, just more like he made it so I doubt love in general. I believed in true love until I married him. I meant my marriage vows when I said them. But it was obviously one sided. So here I sit sick to my stomach as he spends time with stupid tramp but can't even make time to call his own children. I think you are better off without a father at all if the one you do have is willing to put so many things before you..

Thursday, February 25, 2010

One Step Forward

"I've learned to trust myself, Listen to the truth, to not be afraid of it and to not try and hide it." - Sarah McLachlan

Did you know that 1 in every 4 women will experience domestics violence in her lifetime? That is an alarming amount of women. I was the 1 in 4 women who experienced domestic violence. Did you know that is has become an epidemic? One would think with statistics so high that this would be a more talked about topic. That we would know a lot more people who have experienced the situation. That could be because most cases of domestic violence are never reported to police. A lot of time the woman is scared silent or embarrassed of what is taking place in her life. An estimated 5.3 million women are abused each year. 5.3 women who will never be the same, who have been physically and emotionally harmed by someone they cared about and trusted. Violence is the reason stated for divorce in 22% of middle-class marriages. And the reports of domestic violence continue to grow at an alarming rate.
I wanted to start out by putting some statistics out there because when you are the one going through it you feel completely alone. I want women going through this to know they are NOT alone. For a long time I felt worthless, embarrassed, and ashamed of what was going on in my life. I tried to deny the fact that it was abuse, then I made excuses for why it was happening, and most of all I tried to make sure no one else knew what was going on. I was scared silent. It is one of those things you hear about that you never really think will happen to you. When it does you don't want to believe it who wants to take on the title "battered wife".
Many women fall victim to "The Cycle of Abuse", most the time without even realizing it.

Before you know it it has become a viscous cycle you find yourself stuck in. Constantly walking on eggshells. Changing who you are what you do and have act just to keep another "blow up" from happening. You lose control because the abuser is gaining all of it. They instill fear in you and something bad inevitably happens. Many people will say "well why does she stay with him then"? Unless you have ever tried to leave an abusive man you have no right to judge because you have no idea how incredibly hard it is. By using other forms of abuse mental and emotional they break you down as a person making you feel like you aren't worth while. Chiseling away at your self esteem all in an effort to gain more control over you and the situation. You become part of their sick twisted game. After the act of violence takes place and their is a huge blow up. The red monster who harmed you becomes the most apologetic charming sincere individual ever. They make you feel like they truly love you and can't believe how out of hand that got. They make false promising begging you to stay paying you the compliments you have deserved to hear all along. All of these actions are just a ploy to suck you right back in until things go right back to the ugly stage. And the saddest thing is when you actually care about this person for a period of time you actually want to believe their false promises. You want to believe they are sincere. But there is no emptier feeling than being hurt the most by someone who claims to care about you and love you.
I live in that cycle for 3 1/2 years before i had the courage to actually leave. Some women never find that courage. It is like living in a nightmare because there is no easy or good way out of a situation like that. I made idle threats to leave for a while and never followed through... he knew how to play on my heart and my sympathy. But i was lucky i had family and friends who cared enough to support me in my attempts to leave. It even took getting a pfa and there were many threats made as he felt himself losing the control he held so dear to himself. But now I am free from the nightmare i was living. Yes i still have children with him but I dont have to fear what will happen the next time he comes home drunk, or the next time we go out and he wants to start a fight, or the next time he flips out because one of the kids is crying too much and he can't handle it. Slowly I am regaining the person i lost while i was in that relationship with him. It is something that never leaves you. I have come to the harsh realization that you can only supress memories for so long and you can only make yourself numb to so much before it comes back to bite you in the ass. But as it starts to come back I am learning to deal and knowing I have gotten my children out of a negative situation helps me through the day. So the next time you think about judging someone in this situation or suspect someone close to you is going through it sometimes all it takes is on person to show enough concern and support to help make that difference. After all abused women aren't just a statistic we are people who fallen into a deep dark hole that need an out reached hand and the love and support of friends and family to get us out.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Just One of Those Days

"Not every relationship lasts a lifetime, but we will always have a lifetime of relationships."

I am a firm believer that everything in our life happens for a reason. That each person that enters our life serves a purpose... some only stay for a short period of time and others stay much longer serving a greater impact upon us. Each person and experience changes us in some way shape or form along our journey. It has become even more clear to me that it isn't the number of friends you have that matters but it is the quality of the friends you do have. Many have left my life during the struggle of my marriage and now pending divorce. A lot of times I feel very alone and I grieve the loses of some of these people. But then I am lucky enough to have someone show up just the the right time to show me I am not as alone as I think and there are people who care.

I think most mothers question their abilities at times. Lately I feel like a juggler with far too many balls and to few hands to keep them all going. My nerves are shot and patience run thin. I wonder if I couldn't be doing so much better at mothering my children than I am. There are days that I am so overwhelmed I overlook the little beautiful blessings i should be cherishing. Because as every parent knows time goes by far too quick. I try to remind myself I am human and to keep my priorities in line but it has been a real struggle lately. I just hope someday my children will understand and forgive me for my short comings as a single mother.

Today was just one of those overwhelming days... one that reminds me of the saying "i try to take one day at a time but sometimes several attack me all at once." Difficult days make me question a lot about myself and my parenting. It allows the hurt to creep in and the uncertainty the rear its ugly head. So tonight I am hoping to go to bed and sleep all this off and wake up feeling more positive. After all... all we can really do is take one day at a time and do the best we can.

Monday, February 15, 2010


Where does one even begin to describe them self? I remember the person I was before children, marriage, and a reality check with the real world. I am recently recalling the person I allowed myself to become through and unhealthy abusive marriage. A pushover, an enabler... never holding him responsible making excuses and holding onto hope that someday his promises would hold true and things would change. Now I look at myself and I see a completely changed person... someone who I am not even sure I quite recognize yet. I feel like I am at a point in my life where I am redefining myself and all preconceived notions about me prior no longer hold true.

This time last year the kids dad and my soon to be ex-husband had been admitted into the psychiatric ward of the hospital. It had been a long time coming. He was an Operation Iraqi Freedom Vet and was suffering from PTSD. But the war and its effects were not completely to blame. He had also become a product of his upbringing. Someone who viewed a normal life as a one parent home where the mother had left because of drug use and he was raised by his father whose second home was a bar room. The anger existed long before the terrible things he faced being overseas and fighting for out country.

I watched him battle with himself. Sober he was a loving, generous, caring husband and father. He was able to control his anger and the violence that would always follow. Add alcohol to the mix and it always resulted in disaster. Although I can not recall every harsh word that has been said or every violent act that had taken place I know that it was more than enough for any person in their right mind to handle. I don't think there was or is any worse feeling than knowing someone is capable of being something great and watching them throw it all away for alcohol. He may not have been unfaithful with another woman... but alcohol was the other woman in our relationship and I just got sick of the kids and I taking second priority to the very thing that was destroying our family.

We are four rehab attempts down the line, all of which had started in hope and promises and ended in disappointment and failure. But it took me actually removing myself from the situation to see how much he and his actions had affected me personally and how I viewed the world. I raise our children alone while he does what means the most to him sits in a bar drinking his money away. I feel so many mixed emotions it is even hard to sort through them. But today I did come to the realization that I think for the first time in my life I am finding me and not letting anyone else help to define me and who I am. I have come out stronger and with clearer eyes this time. The road ahead looks extremely bumpy but I am holding the faith I will take my kids and I down the best path possible.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Reaching for the Stars

It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself. ~Joyce Maynard

I never pictures myself being a single mother. Playing both the role of Mommy and Daddy. They have a father who comes and goes when it is convenient for him. I don't consider him a parent what so ever. Parenting is a full-time job. No weekends, sick days, or holidays. You don't just get to choose when you want to be there. Deep in my heart I know I can never make up for what they are missing out on by not having their father around, but I can only hope I am compensating enough to help them become good people.
I could not keep them around the abuse, arguments, and destruction anymore. Children learn for our actions and what we do. What kind of role model would I have been setting if I had stayed and let their father repeat the abuse cycle? I want my son to grow up to respect women and to never lay a hand on anyone. I want my daughter to grow up a strong independent woman not needing man to complete her and knowing what she deserves. I want and need to break that cycle right now. Not just for me but for the well being of my children.
I try to tell myself I have walked away from this marriage undamaged. But that is so far from the truth. The scars are still there. After nasty word that was spoken or any violent act that was done toward me bruised my soul in some way. Changing me and the way I feel today. I go back out into the world trying to start over but I have so much mistrust to overcome. I look at things in a different way. He took so much away from me... But I am determined to gain it back and on my terms. I am stronger because of what he put me through. I may forgive but I ill never ever forget.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Divorced Single Mom at 25...

"Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left."Jean Kerr

Life doesn't always play out the way we hope or expect it to. As children and teenagers we fantasize about the future we will have and how perfect it will be. Before we understand reality and the struggle and difficulties that come along with being an adult.
So here I am 25 with a 4 year old son and a 2 1/2 year old daughter and am going through a difficult divorce. I feel like I am just one of the statistics. I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years where I felt powerless and stuck. So I am starting this blog as a source of healing. A way to sort through all the thoughts I have made myself numb to for so long.
Hopefully slowly this will bring me some healing. The future doesn't hold what I expected it too, not even close. I have been led down a path I am not exactly sure how to deal with. Each day brings new battles but many blessings as well. Right now I am taking it one day at a time trying to keep my head above water. This is a just another chapter in the book I call my life.