Pondering...

Where does one even begin to describe them self? I remember the person I was before children, marriage, and a reality check with the real world. I am recently recalling the person I allowed myself to become through and unhealthy abusive marriage. A pushover, an enabler... never holding him responsible making excuses and holding onto hope that someday his promises would hold true and things would change. Now I look at myself and I see a completely changed person... someone who I am not even sure I quite recognize yet. I feel like I am at a point in my life where I am redefining myself and all preconceived notions about me prior no longer hold true.

This time last year the kids dad and my soon to be ex-husband had been admitted into the psychiatric ward of the hospital. It had been a long time coming. He was an Operation Iraqi Freedom Vet and was suffering from PTSD. But the war and its effects were not completely to blame. He had also become a product of his upbringing. Someone who viewed a normal life as a one parent home where the mother had left because of drug use and he was raised by his father whose second home was a bar room. The anger existed long before the terrible things he faced being overseas and fighting for out country.

I watched him battle with himself. Sober he was a loving, generous, caring husband and father. He was able to control his anger and the violence that would always follow. Add alcohol to the mix and it always resulted in disaster. Although I can not recall every harsh word that has been said or every violent act that had taken place I know that it was more than enough for any person in their right mind to handle. I don't think there was or is any worse feeling than knowing someone is capable of being something great and watching them throw it all away for alcohol. He may not have been unfaithful with another woman... but alcohol was the other woman in our relationship and I just got sick of the kids and I taking second priority to the very thing that was destroying our family.

We are four rehab attempts down the line, all of which had started in hope and promises and ended in disappointment and failure. But it took me actually removing myself from the situation to see how much he and his actions had affected me personally and how I viewed the world. I raise our children alone while he does what means the most to him sits in a bar drinking his money away. I feel so many mixed emotions it is even hard to sort through them. But today I did come to the realization that I think for the first time in my life I am finding me and not letting anyone else help to define me and who I am. I have come out stronger and with clearer eyes this time. The road ahead looks extremely bumpy but I am holding the faith I will take my kids and I down the best path possible.