Reaching for the Stars

It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself. ~Joyce Maynard

I never pictures myself being a single mother. Playing both the role of Mommy and Daddy. They have a father who comes and goes when it is convenient for him. I don't consider him a parent what so ever. Parenting is a full-time job. No weekends, sick days, or holidays. You don't just get to choose when you want to be there. Deep in my heart I know I can never make up for what they are missing out on by not having their father around, but I can only hope I am compensating enough to help them become good people.
I could not keep them around the abuse, arguments, and destruction anymore. Children learn for our actions and what we do. What kind of role model would I have been setting if I had stayed and let their father repeat the abuse cycle? I want my son to grow up to respect women and to never lay a hand on anyone. I want my daughter to grow up a strong independent woman not needing man to complete her and knowing what she deserves. I want and need to break that cycle right now. Not just for me but for the well being of my children.
I try to tell myself I have walked away from this marriage undamaged. But that is so far from the truth. The scars are still there. After nasty word that was spoken or any violent act that was done toward me bruised my soul in some way. Changing me and the way I feel today. I go back out into the world trying to start over but I have so much mistrust to overcome. I look at things in a different way. He took so much away from me... But I am determined to gain it back and on my terms. I am stronger because of what he put me through. I may forgive but I ill never ever forget.