Saturday, March 6, 2010

Divorce for Dummies?

“A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you”

No one ever tells you what to do when you are going through a divorce. Even when you know you are doing the right thing and that there is no turning back it can still be heart wrenching. No one tells you how to cope with certain situations that arise. Like when you soon to be ex brings another girl into the picture, and its stupid enough to call your phone while drunk leaving a full message of the two of them talking. Apparently he is able to love this girl and say she is his life after a month or two of seeing each other. Which is the same thing he used to feed me... guess that makes me no better than this new girl who I would like to refer to as stupid tramp. So I guess you can give birth to two beautiful children and stand by someone through thick and thin and have it be meaningless. I wouldn't refer to the 3 1/2 years as wasted time... after all I have two beautiful children who give me a reason to wake up in the morning. A time filled with learning experiences and traumatic times. I wish there was a guide that would tell you how you should feel. I find myself switching from strong, to angry, to just sad. It id a viscous cycle of emotions I just can not seem to control right now.
As with any traumatic situation you never come out the same person as you were when you went into it. Some mornings I wake up so sure of myself and other days I wake up just feeling bad for myself that it has come to this. So while listening to the the conversation between the kids dad, who should be referred to more as a sperm donor, and stupid tramp she requests that he stops contacting me. Well stupid tramp must not realize that a 2 yr old and 4 yr old can not just pick up the phone and call their daddy. But she has no problem putting that on the line... and as my heart sinks into my stomach i hear him agreeing with her that he needs to contact us less. This dead beat does not call on a daily basis, rarely sees his kids, and does not pay support when he is suppose to. Naive I write it off as him being drunk and selfish which is bad enough in itself... but to find out he is putting another person before his children that is a hard pill to swallow. I feel so incredibly angry at his selfish actions and at the ignorance of stupid tramp who referred to me as his "ex-wife" which in actuality he has refused to sign the divorce papers. It is always good to start things out in a relationship based of lies. Won't she be happy to know that not only has he spent time in the psych ward he has also gone to rehab 4 times and failed. He is violent and verbally abusive... but right now I will take the role as the bad guy. But where do you draw the line? He does not deserve to see or talk to his kids if this is the lifestyle and these are the decisions he is making? When you choose not picking up your phone when your 4 yr old son has been in the ER because you don't want to make your new girlfriend mad your priorities are obviously extremely screwed up. No I shouldnt be suprised I should have expected such behavior out of him... but I don't think this is a chapter "Divorce for Dummies" handles. Sure people can give you legal advice... but no one can tell you how to feel or how to deal.
I leave my marriage def with less of myself then I went into it with. I don't so much feel like I allowed him to take part of me, just more like he made it so I doubt love in general. I believed in true love until I married him. I meant my marriage vows when I said them. But it was obviously one sided. So here I sit sick to my stomach as he spends time with stupid tramp but can't even make time to call his own children. I think you are better off without a father at all if the one you do have is willing to put so many things before you..